If you’ve ever found yourself standing in the middle of your house, voice raised, heart pounding, wondering “Why are they not listening to me?” — I want you to know something first:

You’re not broken.
You’re not a bad mom.
And you’re definitely not alone.

I know what you’re going through because I’ve been there too.
And if I’m being honest… sometimes, I still am.

Yelling doesn’t usually start because we want to yell.
It starts because we’re exhausted, overstimulated, and out of ideas — and it feels like the only tool left in the moment. (Side note: you can check out my blog post on systems that support tired moms for ideas on tools and systems)

But here’s the quiet truth most of us never get told:

Kids don’t stop listening because they don’t care.
They stop listening because their nervous systems are overloaded.

And once you understand that, everything starts to shift.

The Night I Realized Yelling Was a Symptom — Not the Problem

Some nights, bedtime in our house still looks like this:

I’m standing in the boys’ room, arms crossed, keeping a close eye on them so they don’t suddenly decide it’s time to wrestle instead of sleep.

Again.

By the time we get there, I’m already frustrated. We’ve been through an hour-long cycle of reminders, redirections, and warnings. My patience is thin. My tone is sharp. And I’m wondering how something as simple as going to bed turned into a full-blown battle.

But when I pause — usually after my frustration peaks — and replay the day, I almost always see the same pattern.

We drifted too far from our routine — even with my customized and colorful routine charts I built using my Routine Template Pack.

Maybe we got home late.
Maybe activities ran long.
Maybe I was being “nice” and let them stay up later — sometimes for them… sometimes because I needed uninterrupted time to get work done.

And somewhere along the way, we skipped the part they needed most.

The reset.

I have to remind myself of this often:

They are not little robots.
They’re not even little adults.

They need more time to shift gears than I do — not less.

When I try to treat them like small adults who should just “handle it,” I’m setting all of us up for frustration.

Listening struggles don’t only show up at bedtime.

They show up in the morning rush.
During transitions between activities.
When it’s time to leave the house.
When screens turn off.
When dinner needs to happen now.

But bedtime is where they tend to explode — because it’s the end of the day, and everyone’s reserves are gone.

That’s why bedtime struggles often reveal what’s been quietly building all day long.

Why Kids Stop Listening (From the Inside Out)

When kids stop listening, it’s easy to assume it’s defiance.

But more often, it’s disconnection.

Here’s what’s usually happening beneath the surface:

1. Their brains are still transitioning

Kids don’t move cleanly from one state to another.
Play → dinner → cleanup → pajamas → sleep is a lot of cognitive shifting.

Without intentional transition time, their brains are still in play mode while we’re expecting sleep mode behavior.

2. They’re overstimulated — even by good things

Busy days, fun activities, late nights, screen time, social interaction… all of it stacks.

By the time bedtime rolls around, their nervous systems are already maxed out — which means listening, following directions, and self-control are the first things to go.

3. Repeated verbal reminders stop registering

When kids hear the same instructions over and over, their brains start tuning them out — not out of disrespect, but out of overload.

Words become background noise.

And that’s usually the moment when we start getting louder. (Click here to read more ideas about ways to reduce verbal reminders!)

Why Yelling Feels Like the Only Option (And Why That Makes Sense)

Let’s be honest: yelling works briefly.

It cuts through the chaos.
It gets immediate attention.
It releases built-up frustration.

So of course our brains reach for it when we’re overwhelmed.

But yelling isn’t a strategy — it’s a stress response.

It’s what happens when:

• You’ve already repeated yourself 12 times

• You’re running on empty

• The system you thought was in place isn’t holding

Yelling is your body saying, “I need support right now.”

Not: “I’m failing.”

The Real Issue Isn’t Listening — It’s Transitions

This is the part that changed everything for me.

Most listening struggles aren’t about obedience.
They’re about transition failure.

When kids don’t have enough time, structure, or support to shift from one mode to another, their behavior fills the gap.

And we interpret that behavior as “not listening.”

But what they’re actually saying is:

“I don’t know what’s coming next.”
“My body hasn’t caught up yet.”
“I need more guidance than you think.”

What Helped Us (And Still Helps on the Hard Nights)

I want to be very clear here: this isn’t about perfection.

Even now, there are nights when I realize too late that we started bedtime shutdown later than we should have — and I can feel the uphill battle forming.

But here’s what consistently helps:

1. Earlier transitions — not earlier bedtimes

We didn’t magically move bedtime earlier.
We moved the wind-down earlier.

Lower lights.
Quieter activities.
Fewer decisions.

The goal isn’t sleep — it’s regulation.

2. Fewer words, more structure

When I stop explaining and start showing what’s next, resistance drops.

Kids don’t need more lectures.
They need clearer signals.

3. Assuming they need more help than I do

This one is big.

When I remember that they need more reset time than I do — not equal, not less — I show up calmer.

And when I’m calmer, they follow more easily.

If You’re Yelling More Than You Want To…

Please hear this gently:

It doesn’t mean you’re failing.
It means the current system isn’t supporting you or your kids.

And systems can be adjusted.

Sometimes the hardest part is knowing where to start — especially when you’re already exhausted.

That’s why I created a simple resource to help moms figure out their next best step — not a full overhaul, not a complicated plan, just one supportive move forward.

If you’re feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure what would actually help right now, you can explore that here:

👉 Next Best Step 

No guilt.
No “do it all.”
Just clarity for the season you’re in.

What to Try Tonight (No Overhaul Required)

If listening has felt especially hard lately — and yelling has been sneaking in more than you want — here are a few small things you can try tonight. Not all of them. Just one.

1. Start the transition earlier than you think you need to

Not bedtime — the shift toward bedtime.

Lower the lights. Turn off the loud music. Change the energy in the room 10–15 minutes sooner than usual.

You’re not aiming for sleep yet — you’re giving their nervous systems a heads-up that change is coming.

2. Say less than you normally would

If you feel yourself explaining, negotiating, or repeating… pause.

Fewer words often land better when kids are tired or overstimulated. Calm presence and clear structure do more than long explanations ever will.

3. Assume they need more help than you do

This mindset shift matters.

Instead of asking, “Why aren’t they listening?”
Try asking, “What support is missing right now?”

More guidance. More time. More clarity.
Not more discipline.

4. Name the moment — without fixing it

Sometimes saying,
“This part of the day is hard for us,”
or
“Your body is having trouble slowing down,”

can reduce resistance all by itself.

You’re not solving — you’re connecting.

And connection is often what listening grows out of.

You’re Not Alone in This

Some nights, I still stand in that bedroom doorway.
Some nights, voices get raised.
Some nights, I wish I’d started earlier or handled it differently.

And then I remind myself:

I’m learning.
They’re learning.
And we’re allowed to adjust.

Listening doesn’t break down because you’re doing something wrong.

It breaks down when everyone needs a little more support.

And that’s something we can work with — together. 💛